Thursday - February 21, 2008
pretty therapists
Here's another picture a pretty girl just for fun.... Her name is Victoria Zdrok & she's got a PhD in clinical psychology. I don't mean to imply that pretty girls can't be therapists, but you have to admit this one is a bit unusual. She's done some "movies", of course. They're typically a bit tame by the standards of the industry, but the ones I've seen aren't bad. And she's just fun to watch.*****
It's probably a good thing that my therapist doesn't look like this. Not that my therapist(s) are bad, mind you. I just don't need that kind of distraction.
*****
So, yes, I am seeing therapists. I won't go
ridiculously in depth here - I'll save that for another time, I guess. (As I've
said earlier, I am just trying to become consistent with posting on my blog!) I
am again separated from my wife & living in some dumpy apartments that the
college owns. The price is right & the apartments really aren't THAT
bad....I'm getting used to it. I have actually gotten past the point of
expecting I will move back home. My wife and I are "in dialog", but there is so
much pain on her part and resentment on mine that I am unsure we can move past
it. I think, at least, that we might both want to do so, though.
*****
I have been doing a TON of "emotional work" in the
last 8 months. Well, okay...in the last 5 or 6 months. The first two or three
months after I moved out were mostly dedicated to being pissed off and hurt and
angry.
I went to see a psychiatrist a few months ago (maybe the beginning of
November?) at my wife's urging. She's been riding my ass about it for years.
To be honest, I always felt like "If *you* aren't gonna go, then *I* ain't gonna
go!". I got to a point that I just couldn't handle the emotions that I have. I
basically have an emotion (especially a *strong* one) and it just spirals out of
control. Whatever emotion I am having takes over my life. Of course, I have
been depressed in one form or another for most of my life. I've always felt
that I had a huge hole in me. But more than that, I have pretty much always
felt that I was just "wrong". My existence is absurd (thank you Sartre) and I
am just God's mistake. I've never been able to get past that. On the other end
of that are my decisions to try to medicate myself to get rid of that feeling.
The ridiculous thing is that I did things that would "relieve" the pain, but
would also punish myself at the same time. That's really hard for my wife to
understand....maybe she never will. Mind you, I am NOT making excuses for
anything I have done. But if I felt like I was "just wrong", then I had to do
things to try to get away from that feeling....mostly pressuring my wife for
certain things....for her to think I was great & wonderful and to show my
love and affection and "other things". Since I kept a lot of secrets from her
(and because she's got some issues of her own), it made things extremely
difficult for her to do that. I really put an inordinate amount of pressure on
her to "fix me". That doesn't work. It seems I should have been able to figure
that out on my own, but when she wouldn't do that for me, I got terribly angry
and upset and resentful. So I did things that I "felt" I deserved. Those
things, though, on the one hand were an escape and a "reward", but on the other
hand (and I've only begun to realize this recently) those things were
punishments as well. I was "wrong" so I did wrong things. The whole thing
spiraled....it was awful for me and awful for my wife. I've hurt her terribly
& I don't know that she'll ever really recover. I have to live with that
forever.
*****
So I was diagnosed with Bi-polar II. Apparently,
the main difference between that and Bi-polar I (the more familiar
Manic-Depression) is that the "manic episodes" are a bit more tame - farther
apart, perhaps. And they tend to be very particular. Nonetheless, I am now
taking Lamictal which is actually an anti epilepsy (anti-seizure) medicine. It
still freaks me out that it works for bi-polar, but it does. It's been working
wonderfully for me. There are practically no side effects for me. The big
problem with Lamictal for me is that you have to ramp up the dosage. I started
at 25 mg for a week, then 50 mg, etc. until I finally got up to 300mg. My
psychiatrist and I decided to try 400mg - I've been doing that since the
beginning of February and it seems to be helping a LOT. For me, the drug
basically just "tightens me up". i was worried that being medicated would
"change" me. That I'd be a zombie....although there were some times that I do
wish I had been prescribed Thorazine....But I am NOT a zombie. I have every
emotion I have ever had...but they no longer overwhelm me. They don't rule my
life anymore....the nice thing about that is that I can see myself clearly. The
drug doesn't make me see things more clearly, but it tightens up the emotions
that I have so that *I* can do the work of seeing myself more clearly. The best
thing is that I can see my *wife* more as a real person rather than some
demi-god who "controls" me and has the ultimate power to fix me....to be my
salvation....to "approve" of me so that I can "approve" of
myself.
*****
It's terribly complicated....so you can see why
having Victoria Zdrok as a therapist would be a distraction that I just don't
need.