Sunday - March 09, 2008
Columbia trip test
So the trip to Columbia went well yesterday. Seeing my wife's grandmother was nice. I hadn't seen her in a very long time. She wasn't told about the situation with my wife & I, but she's a pretty bright lady & figured it out on her own. We surprised her - and I think she was extra surprised to see me....but I think she enjoyed it.
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We went over to some friends' house to hang out for a while, too. The picture here was taken on a vacation at Pawley's Island with these friends. Anyhow, yesterday they made hamburgers for us. (Michael is always looking for an excuse to use his gas grill....I have a preference for charcoal...but it *is* more of a pain in the ass, to be sure.)
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Michael and his son have been taking guitar lessons. His son is really enjoying it, I think. he was very proud to show off his talents yesterday. It's always fun to see a kid sharing something he's proud of. Michael seems to be enjoying it, too....but he takes things pretty seriously sometimes...I suggested to him that, although he is very keen of learning "theory stuff" and being able to "improvise" in a sense, he ought to be sure to take the time to *play* - and let *that* be his goal. I don't know if he'll take that to heart....but even if he doesn't, he seems to be enjoying it, so I'm happy for him.
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I'm in something of an "odd" position at the moment. In a lot of ways, yesterday was a test for me (at least in my wife's eyes...though in my own, too). I had a tendency (okay, maybe an automatic reaction) toward anger outbursts.anger outbursts. I'm not proud of it - and I am certainly not making any excuse for it making any excuse for it, but as I proceed in my therapy and with my medication I can see more of where that "stuff" in my psychology has been coming from.
Honestly, a lot of it was/is related to my BiPolar mental health issues. But the BP really only sent my emotions off into directions that I couldn't, or perhaps didn't *want* to, control. The deeper issue has a lot more to do with my feelings of being taken for granted, taken advantage of, etc. Of course, given where I was in the BP and with my anger, my wife had to "defend" herself by distancing herself from me emotionally. It's hard for her to be emotionally expressive by nature, but my behavior certainly didn't help that....
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So now, I have to go through these "tests". I am doing it willingly & I think my wife appreciates it, but it can't all be about me. That's what I have been saying for years and years in our marriage....it can't be all about me. But for now, I have to show her that I can keep my shit together.....and that she can trust me....that I won't lie to her ever again. My "odd" position is that I need and want things in the marriage, too. I don't know that she's willing to participate in helping with those things in the marriage or not. I have to get over this hurdle first, I suppose. I don't know how long it will take. The bad part for me is that I don't know how long I can wait. Obviously, I don't want to walk away from my family, kids, and almost 15 years of marriage. But I am learning that I have a right to ask for the things I want. And I am learning that I deserve to be "happy". I deserve to have my wife participate equally in the marriage.
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I suppose I can write more about that another time.