Thursday - April 10, 2008

Amazing how The Big Lebowski mirrors my situation

I've been watching Big Lebowski on a srt of regular basis these past few weeks.  It's a great movie, #1 - but more than that, it is a great teaching tool.  At least for me.  The Dude's attitude is great for me.  "Fuck it, man, let's go bowling."  Well, to be fair, that line belongs to Walter.  Nonetheless, that's the attitude that is sort of all pervasive in the film.  Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you.  It's what it is.

***** 

Leave it to Wikipedia, of course, to find the best synopsis of the plot.  It's a crazy Raymond Chandler-like plot, but with the twist that the Dude is the Private Dick, so to speak.  An unlikely hero, to be sure.... 

*****

Mostly, other than the Dude's attitude, for me it's a buddy movie.  The Dude's relationship with Walter is what turns out to be ultimately important, I think.  Now then.... the Dude has a very laid-back attitude. When Jesus suggests that they (his bowling team) will fuck Walter/Dude's bowling team in the ass (all the funnier since Jesus was a child molester!) in the tournament, the Dude says, "Well...Man...that's just like your opinion...Man...".  Now that's a great attitude.  The interesting thing is that even though the Dude has his rug pissed on by a Chinaman (Dude, I think the preferred term is asian-american), is punched in the face numerous times, drugged by a porn producer, and sundry other things...even in spite of all this, the Dude abides.  BUT, whenever the Dude is with Walter, he gets fired up.  Walter, being a veteran of the Vietnam War (I know this because in the movie it's damn near the only thing Walter talks about.... everything is connected to 'nam....), is a bit "touched" in the head.  he's very aggressive (he even pulls a gun on a friend at the bowling alley when they argue about whether his friend committed a foot foul....).  He gets the dude fired up.... and he's about the only one who can.

*****

Now, for me and my situation.... I see my relationship with my wife in similar terms.  I love her - just like the Dude loves Walter... well, okay, maybe not exactly like that... but I love her nonetheless - the problem is that she about the only one who can get me so fired up.  Since the medication & stuff I am able to handle getting fired up in a calmer way.... it doesn't spiral out of control.  She fires me up, but I love her.  So what am I supposed to do, y'know?  Even if I love her, is that enough?  Is it enough to love her even if I'm not really happy with how I am dealt with in the marriage.  I think it's not.  I'm on a holding pattern these days just to give her some more time to figure out what I am talking about when I talk about these things.  I just don't know how long I can wait.

*****

I gave her a good laugh the other evening... I told her that I saw our situation as an analogy to dancing... she and I have spent 15 years building up and fashioning a "dynamic" - a "role" in a script that we each play... it's like dancing - we're dancing partners... I have stopped the dance - I have stepped out of that dynamic because I don't want to live like that anymore.  I wasn't happy in that dynamic.  So I've stepped out of it.  I don't think she has.  What I am hoping (here's the metaphor...) is that I can step out of the dance/dynamic and she can step out of it.... then we can listen... TRULY listen to the music that is playing.... then decide if we can dance to that.

I thought it was a good analogy.  She got a good laugh out of it.  So fuck it...Man... Let's go bowling.

*****

The Dude Abides