Tuesday - April 22, 2008

Safety

 

Emotional safety is important to me.  Part of why I rarely feel safe has to do with my own issues... the bipolar thing, etc.  I've *always* wanted to be with someone who accepts my emotions.  I've described it as "I want you to know who I am - and I want you to know me through my emotions."

*****

It's an odd thing, I guess, for a man to feel that way.  It's been odd in my own experience anyways.... I'm not sure why this would be a bad thing, though... y'know?  Sharing emotions...and mostly having one's emotions understood and taken seriously... empathy and all that.  It seems as though that would be a good way to live.

*****

My own experience has been that sharing my emotions tends to put people off.  I don't believe that my emotions are horrible.  True, over the course of the years (and in large part because of my bipolar disorder), my emotions have been intense... and sometimes beyond the pale.  But when one wants to feel safe... and one *doesn't* feel safe (for whatever reasons), it's hard to develop a strong relationship.

*****

Obviously, on the level of friendship it's not as big a deal.  Ironically enough, too, I am much better understood by friends than I am within a romantic relationship.  My friends tend to accept me and understand me... but by the same token, I might not be quite as open with them about all my emotions.  Don't get me wrong... I am ridiculously open about things.  I see no point in pulling punches or in keeping things inside to fester... But in my romantic relationships... some more than others... when I share my emotions it tends to scare the other partner away.  The other partner very well might have issues of their own, of course.  But isn't the purpose of a relationship to share these "issues" with each other?  Isn't it the point to love someone and their emotions?

*****

It's one thing to share emotions and have someone run from them... It's quite another to have them simply not understand.  To say the same things over and over again - it's like hitting my head against a wall over and over again and hoping that it won't hurt if I keep doing it enough.  It sucks.  I just want to be understood, listened to, taken for who and what I am... and loved for it.  Intellectual understanding is important, of course.  But in what should be a loving relationship, there must be more.

*****

At least for me.... fuck it...man... let's go bowling.  I'm tired.