Saturday - April 26, 2008

Tired.... so Tired....

  

I get so tired sometimes.  I don't mean at work necessarily, although I'm sure that has something to do with the way I feel.  This time of year is always pretty tough.  The last week of classes & getting ready for exams, etc. is always sort of stressful.  It's a good kind of stress for me, though, I think.  I enjoy

 the busy-ness really.  

*****

I just spent the last 15-20 minutes typing all this shit.  Then somehow iBlog lost everything I typed.  Damn it.

*****

And that's part of the thing that's bothering me these days.  It seems as though I'm doing everything I can.... but nothing is working.  It's funny because I used to get quite upset about things like this... but I'm not fired up.  I'm a little pissed because I just "spilled my guts" and now it's all gone.  But it's a pretty good metaphor for what's going on in my mind and in my heart.  I am just so tired.  

*****

I honestly don't even know why I am doing this stupid blog.  If anyone *does* read it... is that a good thing?!@??!  I guess I just have to put things down in black & white so I can see it a little more objectively.  I am not sure it helps.... i'm sure it doesn't help anyone else.  But it gives me a chance to practice feeling not like I deserve to be happy - but to feel, at least, that I don't deserve to be unhappy.

*****

What would fullfill me anyhow?  I know - but I can't say it to some people.  I feel stuck... and God knows I am tired.  Just so tired in my heart.