Sunday - May 04, 2008
stress?
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
Jane Wagner
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I have no idea who Jane Wagner is, but I really like this quote. I suppose that these days, since I am not "crazy" anymore, I am gaining a more realistic connection to reality. obviously, I've never lost touch with reality in a schizophrenic (maybe a quadrophrenic sense?) sense.... but I've pretty well molded reality around whatever mania (especially) and depression (but this, too... ) I had in my soul and my brain over the years.
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So that's sort of what I am partially confused these days.... over the last few weeks, at least. I get stressed again - where I hadn't been feeling the stress as much before that. A few things have started moving in the direction that I've wanted them to move.... It's a *very* slow process & I suppose some of the stress might be impatience & some of it might be the "reality" with which I am coming into contact. I can't tell if it's a good thing or not. What if what you want happens & it's not what you want? I know that doesn't make any sense.... How much can one compromise? That's especially poignant question for me since I feel (rightly or wrongly) that I have been the one doing most of the compromising for many years.... That might not be true - but I *feel* like it is. So it doesn't make it true, but it does give me some stress.
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When I am over at my old house, I get more stressed than I do any other time. It brings back soooo many memories. i don't know if they are just memories..... memories that I need to work through? Or memories that are just that... memories.
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So when I get my head shrunk this Tuesday, I need to talk to her about another med. It's weird.... i was SO terribly opposed to being medicated for my "craziness" - This was, of course, because I didn't think I was crazy.... I was crazy - so how do you know you're crazy, right? Anyhow, I'm on the Lamictal & that is helping more than I can possibly explain. The hole/void that has been at the center of me for as long as I can remember (literally, I can remember it since I was maybe 8 or 9....) is just gone. It's helping with my "mania", too. It's helping very much. But it doesn't help with acute stress. My psychiatrist put me on Ativan a while ago, too, to help with the stress. At this point, though, it doesn't seem to be working. I'm certainly not *abusing* the drug - at least not this one... but I have found myself taking it in ways that I am probably not supposed to take it. Not in a completely bad way, but I am supposed to take one in the morning & then one in the late afternoon.... it works for maybe 7 or 8 hours before the med stops working. It isn't really taking that stressful edge off sometimes. So I find myself taking the one in the morning and saving up the one from the afternoon... or visa-versa. I don't like taking my meds differently than they are prescribed. But I need "more" at certain times.... (like I mentioned above). So I need to ask her what we can do. She suggested Seroquel a while back but mostly to help with the acute mania. That was when we decided to take the Lamictal from 300mg to 400mg. moving to 400mg helped a ton, so we ditched the idea of seroquel. i don't want to be taking lots of different drugs, y'know? (That's funny) But it just seems to me now that the Lorazepam isn't enough sometimes now. I have to go through with what I am going through in my personal life. Attempts & reaching out.... reaching out *toward* me - might not be what I particularly *want*, but it's reaching out. maybe over time it can be something that I have explained over & over... but now it's not. It needs to be grown into, I think. but I'm stressed along the way. For now, I don't want to stand in the way. i feel like I have to see what happens.... at least give the attempts a chance. That's only fair... & there is certainly a sense that this is what I want. i've been telling that to myself... but it's got to be fair. So if I expect and desire fairness on her part, then I have to be fair on mine. Maybe another stress-pill might help. I don't know. That's why I pay $225 to have an expert tell me!