Wednesday - May 07, 2008
fighting instead of talking
I hate fighting. I honestly do. There are those who wouldn't agree with that statement.... but it's true. There may have been a time in my life (and there probably was...) that the "thrill" of the "rush" of anger got me going & I got something out of it. Call it mania, if you will.... (maniac and all that). Anyhow, I truly don't want to fight anymore.
*****
What I *do* want is to heard and to be understood. i don't need to be "worshipped" or be told that i can "do no wrong". I just want to be heard. There are those that say they do hear me.... but they don't. They're scared when they hear what I have to say about my emotions. I'm a guy that is VERY open about his emotions. I don't want to be constantly told that I am scaring someone by being open. My emotions aren't scary. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. Even if they are scary, if they are mine & someone professes to love me, it seems to me that they would at least want to *try* to hear me & understand me.
*****
The crappiest thing is when you want someone to hear you & the don't. Not only that, but they run & they tell you that they're done - they're jsut not going to talk about it anymore. Cut it off if it gets too close. They think that my continuing to try to get them to hear me is fighting. I give up a lot sooner now, at least. once I give up for good, I'll know it's over. Once I don't want to have a particular person hear me & understand me.... then I'll give up. it'll be over. Fuck it.