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I hate fighting. I honestly do. There are those who wouldn't agree with that statement.... but it's true. There may have been a time in my life (and there probably was...) that the "thrill" of the "rush" of anger got me going & I got something out of it. Call it mania, if you will.... (maniac and all that). Anyhow, I truly don't want to fight anymore.
I'm fixing to leave (I love being Southerner) to have my appointment with my psychiatrist. She's really great. I sort of tend to get nervous when I go to see her, but it's always fine once I get there.
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It was one of the scariest things I've ever done to go see a real live psychiatrist, y'know? I suppose most people are that way - though I certainly don't know for sure. In my experience with it, I spent so much time telling myself and others that the problem(s) weren't me. The problems came from somewhere (someone) else.
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Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
Jane Wagner
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I have no idea who Jane Wagner is, but I really like this quote. I suppose that these days, since I am not "crazy" anymore, I am gaining a more realistic connection to reality. obviously, I've never lost touch with reality in a schizophrenic (maybe a quadrophrenic sense?) sense.... but I've pretty well molded reality around whatever mania (especially) and depression (but this, too... ) I had in my soul and my brain over the years.
I get so tired sometimes. I don't mean at work necessarily, although I'm sure that has something to do with the way I feel. This time of year is always pretty tough. The last week of classes & getting ready for exams, etc. is always sort of stressful. It's a good kind of stress for me, though, I think. I enjoy the busy-ness really.
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I just spent the last 15-20 minutes typing all this shit. Then somehow iBlog lost everything I typed. Damn it.
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Emotional safety is important to me. Part of why I rarely feel safe has to do with my own issues... the bipolar thing, etc. I've *always* wanted to be with someone who accepts my emotions. I've described it as "I want you to know who I am - and I want you to know me through my emotions."
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It's an odd thing, I guess, for a man to feel that way. It's been odd in my own experience anyways.... I'm not sure why this would be a bad thing, though... y'know? Sharing emotions...and mostly having one's emotions understood and taken seriously... empathy and all that. It seems as though that would be a good way to live.
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Yesterday evening, the music department here hosted its first annual end-of-the-year banquet for students and faculty. It was a lot of fun. The department has been growing a lot over the course of the last few years. We're getting more and more majors (and minors, for that matter) and we've increased the full-time faculty from 3 when I got here in 2000 to 6 now.
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Joey was the best dog I ever had. Period. Just after my wife & I got married, we bought a house in the Shandon area of Columbia. There was a park not far from the house. We went to the park one day & there was this dog running around greeting everyone. he was very sweet & very friendly.
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Anyhow, he started following us (he knew a sucker when he saw one!) around the park. My wife kept asking everyone in her inimitable way if the dog belonged to them. I guess she could see it in my eyes that I thought it might not be a bad thing to take him home with us.
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I've been watching Big Lebowski on a srt of regular basis these past few weeks. It's a great movie, #1 - but more than that, it is a great teaching tool. At least for me. The Dude's attitude is great for me. "Fuck it, man, let's go bowling." Well, to be fair, that line belongs to Walter. Nonetheless, that's the attitude that is sort of all pervasive in the film. Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. It's what it is.
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I love my cat. I do. I must keep reminding myself of this. He's got some issues now, though. Basically, unless we are going to bed or if I am just getting home from work or for lunch, he bites and chews on me.
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Perhaps *this* type of therapist might work for me. After all, a decent bit of my problems have to do with this kind of thing. Not the bdsm thing so much (though the latex is certainly nice!), but with issues surrounding sex in general.
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It's hard to explain exactly how or what those issues are - and you're probably not that interested (or you'd be embaressed, which would be fine....). But....here it is anyhow...
My wife has been kind enough to invite me to head to Columbia for the day. We plan to visit her grandmother then head over to hang out with some friends. These friends know about our "situation" and I feel thankful that they are willing to support "us". It should be fun. I enjoy their company.
Here's another picture a pretty girl just for
fun.... Her name is Victoria Zdrok & she's got a PhD in
clinical psychology. I don't mean to imply that pretty girls can't be
therapists, but you have to admit this one is a bit unusual. She's done some
"movies", of course. They're typically a bit tame by the standards of the
industry, but the ones I've seen aren't bad. And she's just fun to
watch.