Saturday - March 15, 2008

sleeping dogs lie 

Last weekend, I watched a movie with probably THE most disgusting premise I have ever seen.  It turned out to be a very good, though very "sick", film.

*****

The basic story concerns how much one should be "open" about in a relationship.  That, indeed, is a good premise/idea for a movie.  That question always seems to come up in relationships.  Being open and honest seems to be important.... at least it always has to me.  I've tried so hard to be open and honest in my relationships, but it's always turned out to be so extremely difficult for me.  The times that I have tried it, I tended to be somewhat rejected.  I felt as though I was being disapproved of, though, to be fair, part of that feeling on my part has been directly related to my "mental illness".  I've had this gigantic hole at my center.  Always felt as though I was just *wrong*.  It always made me feel on edge in any kind of relationship.... especially in romantic relationships.  It was so important for me to be accepted or even respected - but most especially approved of.  I have been so hypersensitive to wanting and desiring these things that any indication that I was not approved of set me off - ran me into a corner - made me feel rejected.  Of course, my problem has been that I put the burden of acceptence onto another person.  That's not fair to the other person, for sure.  But it's also not fair to me.  I have to learn to accept myself.  That's the thing upon which I have been working so diligently.

*****

Back to the film....

Sleeping Dogs Lie approaches my feelings from a different point of view - but I could totally relate.  The girl in the film had an embarrasing experience (that she instigated, by the way) with her dog.  She was lonely - bored - feeling "experimental" - and one thing led to another..... very odd.  This is the beginning of the film.  Once I saw that part of the film, I knew it was gonna be odd.  It turns out to be a wonderfully funny, gentle, and honest film.  I thoroughly enjoyed it.

*****

She decides, at the point of moving toward marriage to her fiance, to tell him about her "trist".  It turns out to not be a good idea.  He freaks, they fight, she leaves.  Along the way, she begins to fall in love with a coworker/friend who has been having trouble in his own marriage.  Of course, she decides not to tell this second guy & they ostensibly live happily-ever-after.  It's an interesting dichotomy.  Is Bobcat suggesting that complete honesty a bad thing?  I'm not sure.  But it's a lot to think about.  I know that for me being completely honest about my feelings & thoughts, it is probably a bad idea to reveal all of my "mistakes".  There is a step in the 12-step program of AA (adapted by other groups) that sort of commands the 12-stepper to make a list of all the persons he has hurt & become willing to make ammends to those people wherever possible .... EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS.  So that's where I am with it.  I am in the process of repentance, I guess.  Not so much to reconcile with my wife - but because I have to put the past behind me.  There is a tremendous amount of guilt on my part.  You have no idea.... but true repentance, I think, is putting those things in the past and not *living* there with those mistakes.  Forgiveness, I think, comes in the future.  I try to get up every day with the thought "I want to live a new way today".  It seems to be working.  Sometimes it's difficult - but for the most part, it isn't.  Knowing that there is a kind, merciful, and loving "higher power" that accepts and loves me helps me understand how to accept and love myself.  That's the repentance part.... not wallowing in my mistakes - but putting them into the past - feeling guilt and feeling "bad" for ruining the things I have ruined (my marriage, for example) - but turning away from it - "learning from my mistakes" - is the path I am on.  It's almost impossilbe at this point to separated myself from what I have done.  It was me that did those things.  i can't deny that, but I also cannot blame it on my illness.  obviously, the disease played a major part in it.  But ultimately, I can't pin it all on the illness.  I can't say "well, I was mentally ill before - so it excuses what I've done".  No one in my wife's position would be able to take that and be done with it.  The disease does mitigate what I've done.  I can tell myself in a sense that it wasn't really me, but it was me.  

*****

Who am I, though?  I'm working through that.  I've lived for so long with this bipolar thing that I'm not sure what I am beneath the outer actions.  Accepting myself - learning to forgive myself - believing that God loves and forgives and accepts me - it's difficult.  I still feel as though I don't deserve it.  I guess that's the definition of grace, isn't it?  Thank God for that.  it leads me to believing I can at least accept it even if I don't deserve it.

*****

I'm not to the point that I believe I deserve to be happy.  But I am in the place that I believe that I don't deserve to be unhappy.  So that's progress.  I've never really felt that way.