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I was thinking last night at our Baccalaureate ceremony here at the school. I remember when I got each of my degree's. I felt like I had reached a big milestone in my life. Of course, I had. That's what graduation ceremonies are all about, right?
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But I realized something....
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I hate fighting. I honestly do. There are those who wouldn't agree with that statement.... but it's true. There may have been a time in my life (and there probably was...) that the "thrill" of the "rush" of anger got me going & I got something out of it. Call it mania, if you will.... (maniac and all that). Anyhow, I truly don't want to fight anymore.
I'm fixing to leave (I love being Southerner) to have my appointment with my psychiatrist. She's really great. I sort of tend to get nervous when I go to see her, but it's always fine once I get there.
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It was one of the scariest things I've ever done to go see a real live psychiatrist, y'know? I suppose most people are that way - though I certainly don't know for sure. In my experience with it, I spent so much time telling myself and others that the problem(s) weren't me. The problems came from somewhere (someone) else.
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So classes are done. Grades are in. It's a good day, but it's *slow*!
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
Jane Wagner
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I have no idea who Jane Wagner is, but I really like this quote. I suppose that these days, since I am not "crazy" anymore, I am gaining a more realistic connection to reality. obviously, I've never lost touch with reality in a schizophrenic (maybe a quadrophrenic sense?) sense.... but I've pretty well molded reality around whatever mania (especially) and depression (but this, too... ) I had in my soul and my brain over the years.
I hadn't thought about this stuff for *years*. But as I was planning to "clean up my office" (it's a god-awful mess again since it's the end of the semester), I ran across it & started flipping through the pages a little. I got it in high school - actually had to special order it....I was a weird kid.
So I'm sitting here giving my Harmony students their final exam this morning. There is much sighing & gnashing of teeth.... though I'm not sure why. For some reason a few of them don't seem to "get it".
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It's weird to me. To be fair, introducing the concept of secondary dominant function and modulation is a bit scary if you're coming out of high school with really *no* training in harmony. Most of our kids are like that. it's not an insult in any way.... it's just that almost all of them are starting from scratch, so to speak.
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So I'm trying to work out my Form & Analysis class for the Fall semester. I've *always* enjoyed teaching that course here...but I think this semester may test me the most!
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It's not because of the students. In fact, I think this will be one of the best groups I've had for a long time. The main issue is that there are 11 or 12 signed up so far!
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So I'm planing to get a new MacBookPro this summer. My current PowerBook G4 (1.5 gHz/1.5MB RAM) has worked wonderfully for me over the last 4 years. I'm going to hate seeing it fall to "second place", but I still have plans for it.
I get so tired sometimes. I don't mean at work necessarily, although I'm sure that has something to do with the way I feel. This time of year is always pretty tough. The last week of classes & getting ready for exams, etc. is always sort of stressful. It's a good kind of stress for me, though, I think. I enjoy the busy-ness really.
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I just spent the last 15-20 minutes typing all this shit. Then somehow iBlog lost everything I typed. Damn it.
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Emotional safety is important to me. Part of why I rarely feel safe has to do with my own issues... the bipolar thing, etc. I've *always* wanted to be with someone who accepts my emotions. I've described it as "I want you to know who I am - and I want you to know me through my emotions."
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It's an odd thing, I guess, for a man to feel that way. It's been odd in my own experience anyways.... I'm not sure why this would be a bad thing, though... y'know? Sharing emotions...and mostly having one's emotions understood and taken seriously... empathy and all that. It seems as though that would be a good way to live.
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Yesterday evening, the music department here hosted its first annual end-of-the-year banquet for students and faculty. It was a lot of fun. The department has been growing a lot over the course of the last few years. We're getting more and more majors (and minors, for that matter) and we've increased the full-time faculty from 3 when I got here in 2000 to 6 now.
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Joey was the best dog I ever had. Period. Just after my wife & I got married, we bought a house in the Shandon area of Columbia. There was a park not far from the house. We went to the park one day & there was this dog running around greeting everyone. he was very sweet & very friendly.
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Anyhow, he started following us (he knew a sucker when he saw one!) around the park. My wife kept asking everyone in her inimitable way if the dog belonged to them. I guess she could see it in my eyes that I thought it might not be a bad thing to take him home with us.
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I've been watching Big Lebowski on a srt of regular basis these past few weeks. It's a great movie, #1 - but more than that, it is a great teaching tool. At least for me. The Dude's attitude is great for me. "Fuck it, man, let's go bowling." Well, to be fair, that line belongs to Walter. Nonetheless, that's the attitude that is sort of all pervasive in the film. Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. It's what it is.
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I haven't really written for orchestra or orchestral instruments for a while now. Mostly, I've been focusing on electronic music (when I've been focusing on anything at all, that is).
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So the fellow that conducts the orchestra here at PC asked me to write something for them.
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So the terabyte drive on which I keep all my music & videos for iTunes is slowly dying. I hate when this happens. This one I haven't even had a year!
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So I got this new HDTV last week & I got a DVD player that "upscales" 480dpi to 720p or 1080i. I've set about now to watch all the movies that I've had on the shelf for so long (and haven't watched). I have tended not to watch too many movies since I've been over in this apartment. For the most part, I get stuck watching Law & Order:SVU, American Justice, and Cold Case Files among other things. I guess I've been taking advantage of my "freedom" to watch such things. My wife is scared to watch those serial killer/cop shows for some reason. Maybe fear isn't the best way to describe it. She just describes it as a "funny feeling". The cool thing about this is that I haven't watched these shows for 10 years or so.... that's makes all these reruns NEW to me. So that's been kind of cool.
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David Lynch films have appealed to me since I saw Eraserhead. It's something of a cult classic now. When I watch it, it still freaks me out. The whole "lady in the radiator" thing.... all of it. My wife calls it "creepy baby movie"... but I think she's missing the point. After all, In Heaven Everything Is Fine.
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I got to have dinner with Roy Blount, Jr. on Monday night. It was a lot of fun. I've enjoyed him on Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me over the last few years. It seems that show is really starting to take off (at least by Public Radio standards....).
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Last weekend, I watched a movie with probably THE most disgusting premise I have ever seen. It turned out to be a very good, though very "sick", film.
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